TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: you know who you are

To Whom it May Concern:

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-Management

Economics and the Sphygnomanometer

Your father was sent home from work Friday
His blood pressure was too high to participate in training
Then you texted him for money
He doesn't know when he will be able to go back to work again
And told him he was making your life difficult
because he wouldn't transfer money to your checking account so you could go tan
You didn't know what was going on with him at the time
I hate to say it but it seems like you wouldn't give 2 shits anyway

Oh, here's a fun fact for you - that was the 1 year anniversary of the physically, mentally, verbally, and emotionally abusive incedent that caused you to move into our house
So theoretically that was the first day of the year that almost killed my marriage
And the beginning of the end of who I believed you to be

We picked you up at your mother's house where you now reside
at 9 on Saturday Morning
To take you to have some candid senior pictures taken at the campus of my Alma Mater
Not sure if you realize that we werent sure you would show up
unless we physically transported you ourselves
You graduate in less than 2 weeks
You are legally an adult
Most kids got theirs done a year ago

Your dad set up the photographer, time, and location for your pictures
and paid for all of it after you were done
Then we all went to eat
and promptly delivered you back to your mothers

We have been informed that we are to have a party for you the day after graduation
We also have been informed that we are expected
to send out your graduation announcements
that are supposed to use the pictures from Saturday
So I assume further that we are expected to just whip these out
After you pick the picture you want to use

Your father called you this afternoon
After you flaked out on coming here as usual
I expected you would not show up

Like clockwork you let the call go to voicemail
As usual he left you a message saying to give him a call when you got the message
Three hours later, he called you again
and again left you a voice mail to please call him tonight

He has to go in first thing in the morning to get his blood pressure rechecked
Which will determine whether he can even work or not
Perhaps you did not understand what I was telling you on Saturday
About your father's situation and how he needs to not be upset or have conflict
At least until he is cleared to go back to work

You got an acceptance letter to a JC this week
You said you are going to go there
Apparently one of the morons you befriended after you stopped coming home over here
is going there too

Her parents love you because you inspired her to do something with her life
which tells me that her aspirations were meager
You talk to her mom on the phone
apparently ya'll text all the time
That's great
Your dad just has one sided conversations
with your voicemail
and sends unrequieted text messages
To a phone he pays for

There was mention of making a trip to the JC (in my hometown )
with your bff/roomie/whatever
and her parents
to fill out forms and enroll you two
No clue as to when this is to take place

You do realize that should something "unsatisfactory" happen with your father's job
Our cash flow will cease
Which means tuition, tanning, gas, allowance
and other miscellaneous freebies that should have stopped out of principle 3 months ago
Will no longer be available

While I can only guess how you would react if something like that were to occur
I have always tried - and then tried to try to give you the benefit of the doubt
But if I were a bettin' woman
I would put my wager that the spoiled brat attitude of entitlement would be first on the scene

There is still a part of me that half assed believes that you don't know or understand
what has actually occurred over the last 6 months
That part of me is also telling myself that you are who I thought you were all along
And that surely if you were aware of everything
(your mother's manipulation and undermining your father to punish him for letting you live here made possible by granting you carte blanche and making it easy for you to opt out of seeing, speaking to, or visiting your dad.
(unless, of course he is taking you skiing, shopping, or giving you $)

You would STOP IT

So dance, little marionette -
the freedom you now enjoy
devoid of responsibility or accountability
is all a part of the show
The opus of the puppetmaster
It is her most fulfilling (and only) work your mother has done in nearly 2 decades
But there is no denouement in this production
She won't have any part of that

This is her script, you know

And we are the players on her stage

Making it reality

When reality comes crashing down on you
and you look up at your umbelical strings to pull you up
the game is over
and the puppetmaster assumes no responsibility and can not be held liable
for any harm or injury that may have occurred
during the run of this production
Your voluntary participation in the production
releases the aforementioned puppetmaster (hereinafter referred to as "mom")
from any and all liability claims, including but not limited to
anger
guilt
shame
rage
psychological or emotional trauma
shattered self image

Self Doubt

Stunting of emotional growth

foregone dreams

unattained goals

never having your own life

Coincedently, once she yells "cut!"
"That's a wrap"
she means it

It is ashamed that it turned out this way
for you
but it is even more ashamed
that your dad
(you remember him... the guy that left you those annoying messages)
being the person he is
and being the kind of father he is
will have to do the best he can
to one day sift through what remains of you
and salvage what is left

Train from China

Driving to Wesley's today

I was thinking about everything

gasoline

 - and how how I wouldn't be driving to Wesley's for no reason

without it

As I am nearing Loop 12 on the Tom Landry Highway

I see a train

it is L  O  N  G!

Hanjin shipping containers as far as I could see

some double stacked

the cheap plastic crap

ipods, mp3 players, dildos, whatever else

Chugging down the track

We are making them rich

One day they will own all of our asses

POSTSECRET = GENIUS

The above pretty much sums up  the last 4 years of my life.  

I must give a few "cheap pops" for POSTSECRET

I stumbled upon the site by accident, but I am hooked

(Also PISSED OFF that I didn't think of the concept first)

anyway - go to

http://www.postsecretcommunity.com/news-faq/mail-secrets

for more information

HUXLEY

-from Aldous Huxley's Heaven and Hell

Like the earth a hundred years ago, our mind still has its darkest Africas, it's unmapped Borneos and Amazonian Basins.

In relation to the fauna of these regions, we are not yet zoologists, we are mere naturalists & collectors of specimens

The fact is unfortunate but we have to accept it, we have to make the best of it.

However lowly, the work of the collector must be done before we can proceed to the higher scientific tasks of classification, analysis, experiment, & theory making

Some people never consciously discover their antipodes.

Others make an occasional landing.  

Yet others (but they are few) 

find it easy to come and go as they please

Aldous Huxley was a British novelist who wrote Brave New World (1932), and was a grandson of ‘Darwin’s Bulldog’, T.H. Huxley. He was also the brother of the leading atheistic evolutionist Sir Julian Huxley (see quotes: Humanism as religion and Human soul and religion are just the product of religion), and died the same day as Christian apologist C.S. Lewis (see his quotes Materialistic Thoughts and Science began with belief in a Lawmaker), and the assassination of JFK (22 Nov. 1963). Aldous Huxley made this frank admission about his anti-theistic motivation:

‘I had motive for not wanting the world to have a meaning; consequently assumed that it had none, and was able without any difficulty to find satisfying reasons for this assumption. The philosopher who finds no meaning in the world is not concerned exclusively with a problem in pure metaphysics, he is also concerned to prove that there is no valid reason why he personally should not do as he wants to do, or why his friends should not seize political power and govern in the way that they find most advantageous to themselves. … For myself, the philosophy of meaninglessness was essentially an instrument of liberation, sexual and political.’
Reference

Huxley, A., Ends and Means, pp. 270 ff.

What should I write?

SADNESS

ANGER

FEAR

CONTROL

MANIPULATION

LOVE

HAPPINESS

CONFUSION

BETRAYAL

ANXIETY

COMPULSION

RELIEF

RELEASE

TRIGGER

    OUTBURST

       FIST

           RAGE

SELF LOATHING

SELF LOVE

SELF PRESERVATION

past, present, future clusterfuck

I loved Pop and Poppy more than anything or anyone in the entire world. As their only grandchild, I was doted on since birth. I had a fabulous childhood. in my mind I return to childhood often just to remind myself of the truth. I often think of days spent with Poppy. Going into town,with her - shopping for furniture, yellow skirts with crazy designs, belts, jellies (shoes), the church library, the Archives at the historical society, etc.

Also memories of being not quite school age and spending the entire day with her at “the farm” She told me that it would all be mine one day - she said this many times, but I recall that the first time she said it we were in the side yard in between the patio fountain, the clothesline, and the greenhouse. I remember this distinctly because it was the first time it occurred to me that someday there would be a time in my life that I would be without her. Being the observant child that I was (and continue to be) I took that realization and transitively applied it to pop, granny, mom, dad, etc.... This was quite the hefty thought for a 4 year old.

I never once thought that “the farm”, their house, the log house, or any of it would be off limits to me.

Funny- I was less scared then that I am now.

My entire life I was shielded from adversity by Pop and Poppy, (as the first line of defense...) and my mother and father. I am unable to recall a perceived wrong or an actual wrong done to me that was not taken care of by someone other than myself (prior to my 25th birthday). While this may have helped maximize my idyllic childhood, It also unfairly extended my being a child by at least a decade. Information regarding any financial arrangements for my future, assets that were put in my name, etc.... were (according to Pop and Poppy) NEVER any of my business or concern. Thus they kept everything a big Goddamned secret.

The presumption that I was a child plus the fear that if I was aware that I had some money (like a trust, etc...) that I would be irresponsible and spend it (even though the trust and partnership had built in restrictions, age limits, and other people (trustees, other limited partners and Pop and Poppy as general partners) controlling any management, disbursement or distribution of funds. Disclosure of information to me wouldn’t have really made any real difference since I wouldn’t have direct access to any money. I might have been able to call bullshit on Uncle Gadfly McGreedy’s dastardly scheme to abscond with the entire estate.

Now Pop and Poppy are gone 

I feel like an apt pupil that studied for the wrong test 

I am far from stupid, but find myself nevertheless unprepared.

 It is funny - The very people that “made everything all better” my entire life and their need to use $ as leverage PLUS denial of their own mortality and fear of letting go/losing control over My father, Uncle Gadfly McGreedy, and myself (even in death) were the same people that ended up ultimately causing me the greatest hurt, heartache, emotional/psychological trauma, anger, resentment, expense, and LEGAL/TAX PROBLEMS.
At first this seemed more than I could bear. Uncle Gadfly McGreedy (under a Durable Power of Attorney that no one was aware of) blatantly exerted undue influence over Pop after Poppy died. I can’t even go into it all here because it is such a CLUSTERFUCK

To this day (it has been 18 months since we lost Pop) after kicking around the sequence of actions, the actions themselves, their consequences on my father and I, my grandfather, and then my uncle, and then examining what possible legal recourse my father and I have , under what claim, and then finding and pouring over case after case , sometimes I feel an “A-HA!” moment – like I have a solution. Then I ask myself – “”self, what is your answer?” The answer I have arrived at numerous times is to just tell my grandfather what my uncle has done, so he can fix it.

Of course, this is not possible, as my grandfather is dead, and it is his death and the years leading up to it that produced the current conundrum. But I do think that this conclusion of mine speaks volumes -

I NEVER EVER HAD TO TAKE CARE OF MY OWN PROBLEMS. 

POP ALWAYS DEALT WITH BAD SITUATIONS AND PROBLEMS FOR ME.

 Either because I was perceived as being “incapable” or because I was “just a kid”

Or because they were trying to protect me from the cold cruel world. Who knows.

They certainly did me a disservice.