POSTSECRET = GENIUS

The above pretty much sums up  the last 4 years of my life.  

I must give a few "cheap pops" for POSTSECRET

I stumbled upon the site by accident, but I am hooked

(Also PISSED OFF that I didn't think of the concept first)

anyway - go to

http://www.postsecretcommunity.com/news-faq/mail-secrets

for more information

HUXLEY

-from Aldous Huxley's Heaven and Hell

Like the earth a hundred years ago, our mind still has its darkest Africas, it's unmapped Borneos and Amazonian Basins.

In relation to the fauna of these regions, we are not yet zoologists, we are mere naturalists & collectors of specimens

The fact is unfortunate but we have to accept it, we have to make the best of it.

However lowly, the work of the collector must be done before we can proceed to the higher scientific tasks of classification, analysis, experiment, & theory making

Some people never consciously discover their antipodes.

Others make an occasional landing.  

Yet others (but they are few) 

find it easy to come and go as they please

Aldous Huxley was a British novelist who wrote Brave New World (1932), and was a grandson of ‘Darwin’s Bulldog’, T.H. Huxley. He was also the brother of the leading atheistic evolutionist Sir Julian Huxley (see quotes: Humanism as religion and Human soul and religion are just the product of religion), and died the same day as Christian apologist C.S. Lewis (see his quotes Materialistic Thoughts and Science began with belief in a Lawmaker), and the assassination of JFK (22 Nov. 1963). Aldous Huxley made this frank admission about his anti-theistic motivation:

‘I had motive for not wanting the world to have a meaning; consequently assumed that it had none, and was able without any difficulty to find satisfying reasons for this assumption. The philosopher who finds no meaning in the world is not concerned exclusively with a problem in pure metaphysics, he is also concerned to prove that there is no valid reason why he personally should not do as he wants to do, or why his friends should not seize political power and govern in the way that they find most advantageous to themselves. … For myself, the philosophy of meaninglessness was essentially an instrument of liberation, sexual and political.’
Reference

Huxley, A., Ends and Means, pp. 270 ff.

What should I write?

SADNESS

ANGER

FEAR

CONTROL

MANIPULATION

LOVE

HAPPINESS

CONFUSION

BETRAYAL

ANXIETY

COMPULSION

RELIEF

RELEASE

TRIGGER

    OUTBURST

       FIST

           RAGE

SELF LOATHING

SELF LOVE

SELF PRESERVATION

past, present, future clusterfuck

I loved Pop and Poppy more than anything or anyone in the entire world. As their only grandchild, I was doted on since birth. I had a fabulous childhood. in my mind I return to childhood often just to remind myself of the truth. I often think of days spent with Poppy. Going into town,with her - shopping for furniture, yellow skirts with crazy designs, belts, jellies (shoes), the church library, the Archives at the historical society, etc.

Also memories of being not quite school age and spending the entire day with her at “the farm” She told me that it would all be mine one day - she said this many times, but I recall that the first time she said it we were in the side yard in between the patio fountain, the clothesline, and the greenhouse. I remember this distinctly because it was the first time it occurred to me that someday there would be a time in my life that I would be without her. Being the observant child that I was (and continue to be) I took that realization and transitively applied it to pop, granny, mom, dad, etc.... This was quite the hefty thought for a 4 year old.

I never once thought that “the farm”, their house, the log house, or any of it would be off limits to me.

Funny- I was less scared then that I am now.

My entire life I was shielded from adversity by Pop and Poppy, (as the first line of defense...) and my mother and father. I am unable to recall a perceived wrong or an actual wrong done to me that was not taken care of by someone other than myself (prior to my 25th birthday). While this may have helped maximize my idyllic childhood, It also unfairly extended my being a child by at least a decade. Information regarding any financial arrangements for my future, assets that were put in my name, etc.... were (according to Pop and Poppy) NEVER any of my business or concern. Thus they kept everything a big Goddamned secret.

The presumption that I was a child plus the fear that if I was aware that I had some money (like a trust, etc...) that I would be irresponsible and spend it (even though the trust and partnership had built in restrictions, age limits, and other people (trustees, other limited partners and Pop and Poppy as general partners) controlling any management, disbursement or distribution of funds. Disclosure of information to me wouldn’t have really made any real difference since I wouldn’t have direct access to any money. I might have been able to call bullshit on Uncle Gadfly McGreedy’s dastardly scheme to abscond with the entire estate.

Now Pop and Poppy are gone 

I feel like an apt pupil that studied for the wrong test 

I am far from stupid, but find myself nevertheless unprepared.

 It is funny - The very people that “made everything all better” my entire life and their need to use $ as leverage PLUS denial of their own mortality and fear of letting go/losing control over My father, Uncle Gadfly McGreedy, and myself (even in death) were the same people that ended up ultimately causing me the greatest hurt, heartache, emotional/psychological trauma, anger, resentment, expense, and LEGAL/TAX PROBLEMS.
At first this seemed more than I could bear. Uncle Gadfly McGreedy (under a Durable Power of Attorney that no one was aware of) blatantly exerted undue influence over Pop after Poppy died. I can’t even go into it all here because it is such a CLUSTERFUCK

To this day (it has been 18 months since we lost Pop) after kicking around the sequence of actions, the actions themselves, their consequences on my father and I, my grandfather, and then my uncle, and then examining what possible legal recourse my father and I have , under what claim, and then finding and pouring over case after case , sometimes I feel an “A-HA!” moment – like I have a solution. Then I ask myself – “”self, what is your answer?” The answer I have arrived at numerous times is to just tell my grandfather what my uncle has done, so he can fix it.

Of course, this is not possible, as my grandfather is dead, and it is his death and the years leading up to it that produced the current conundrum. But I do think that this conclusion of mine speaks volumes -

I NEVER EVER HAD TO TAKE CARE OF MY OWN PROBLEMS. 

POP ALWAYS DEALT WITH BAD SITUATIONS AND PROBLEMS FOR ME.

 Either because I was perceived as being “incapable” or because I was “just a kid”

Or because they were trying to protect me from the cold cruel world. Who knows.

They certainly did me a disservice.

I don't know how to explain something that you just don't know how to understand (part 2)

...Or when I tell you that I need your help with a plan for your daughter and how to deal with some of the problems that have been going on for months now.

we agreed that I was not supposed to have to be the one to have to dole out punishments or fucking have to be the ONLY one who asks the basic parent questions

you get mad because she doesn't do what you & I ask her to do

LET ME ASK YOU THIS - WHAT IN THE WORLD HAS BEEN DONE AT ALL TO KEEP IT FROM GETTING THIS FAR

I don't know how to explain something that you just don't know how to understand (part 1)

YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT

YOU really DO NOT FUCKING GET IT

I know you are not that simple

some of the things I love most about you 

ARE the underlying problem 

right now

Communication, Responsibility,

 planning, business,

 legal, moral, social, ethical, 

( Certainly NOT) 

optimal acceptible??  

REALLY?

you tune me out

i discuss one thing with you

you agree - no, maybe you are just nodding your head 

Yes, that is it - but I I didn't realize that until just this minute - 

You nod affirmatively and repeat 3 or 4 of the words I said

because apparently you DO NOT WANT TO LISTEN

and 

YOU DON"T WANT TO TALK

I don't get it - 

Here is my assesment/breakdown  of what is going on

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM

thus

-The problem that does in fact exist

Anyway...

You tune me out

I try and discuss one thing with you

You appear to agree

but as soon as the conversation ends

everything discussed somehow gets purged from your memory

At some later time, I "remind you" of what we discussed

I try and reiterate the importance of implementation

and execution of discussed actions

Nothing

I wait and see if you will follow through

you go to work and leave me hanging

We re-discuss - you say you will take care of it "LATER"

I don't know how to get on the same page with you again

I don't know how we got off kilter in the first place

I never planned to be like this

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT 

I AM TRYING

But it always seems like you don't hear me

sometimes i wish i could just go away

 so you can be happy again 

if i were more like you i wouldn't be me

I know you are not happy 

it seems like you don't like me very much anymore

I never lied to you about who I am

or 

what I feel

or

WHY

but communicating this to you

Annoys You

It interrupts your TV show

You tune me out

you turn up the volume 

or make a phone call in the middle of what I am saying

you tell me that you thought I was done talking, and that you were thinking about something else, and you are tired, and 

oh yeah

you just remembered you have to pee

and that you are sorry

I know you are lying

because if you were being forthright

you wouldn't really need to offer up 6 different reasons why you were ignoring me

I have told you for years that when someone gives more than one excuse 

it lessens the credibility of their argument

CAN YOU HONESTLY TELL ME

that given everything that I have been through 

for years

 with my grandfather/uncle/dad

that you REALLY don't see where I am coming from

REMEMBER how

NOTHING WAS EVER MY BUSINESS...

ESPECIALLY business

I have been trying to handle everything with Robert 

so that you could have custody of your daughter

Making strategic suggestions as to how to properly leverage information to create the most optimal (and unrebuttable) outcome 

with your less than reasonable

unpredictable

passive aggressive

irrational 

psycho ex wife

  

 

(who the hell leaves a note for their 16 year old daughter that says this...(incorporated into the collage above)

Seriously - 

the damn thing was stuck on my stepchild's dresser mirror at her mom's

I took it with me the day I picked stepdaughter up to come and live with us

in case there is any doubt - the thing says:

Ashley

Take Slimquick

Love Rory (new puppy)

and Pray

Snakes

MR SNAKES

MR NOT

OSAR

CMBDIS

LIB

MR SNAKES

-Thanks to 

 Gil King (my teacher from real estate school)

for this one

The previous post made me think about it

HI

You are at Wesley's 

Making Colored Snakes 

out of paper that 

Wesley painted

The pieces are that  big - 

There are 84 colors

Because this is what people did before there was colored paper

THE SAME....BUT DIFFERENT

A collection of situations that I was once compelled to commit to writing for no reason in particular - only to later keep them to myself

ACTUALLY this is the same collection of situations and words that I  have been recycling for a while now

Anyway 

This is dedicated to all of you out there in the world who realize that 

real life will never be as cool as cartoons

(at least without hallucinogenic assistance)

AND YOU ARE BUMMED ABOUT IT

Have you ever wondered why that is??

My hypothesis is as follows:

1.  Real life will never be as cool as cartoons because

REAL LIFE is just that....

REAL

"It gets so real sometimes... 

 ...who wrote my rhyme"

-BRAD NOWELL - Sublime

"I fake it so real I am beyond fake.

(and) someday you will ache like I ache"

-COURTNEY LOVE - Hole

anyway - back to my hypothesis...

Cartoons were predictable in every way.

Back in the early '80's 

back when I was a little girl 

with a little boy's haircut, 

There was only 1 day a week that cartoons were on 

Actually I grew up just down the street from my grandparents in a house they built on some of their land just after I was born.  We didn't have garbage service where you put your trash out on the curb and the garbage trucks pick it up - 

We had a BURN BARRELL - much like what you see bums warming themselves around in the movies.  We set our trash on fire, we recycled the aluminum and steel cans, plastic, and glass, we composted all vegetable waste, and fed meat scraps to the dogs.

We did not have cable television

We had an antenna (and usually only 3 channels)

Instead of zoning out staring at the "idiot box" like so many other children of the 80's,

I rode horses with my grandpa, went fishing with my dad, gardened with my grandmother, climbed trees, read books, played music, went to church and PLAYED OUTSIDE

HOWEVER...  

There was almost no keeping me from my saturday morning ritual

Smurfs, galaxy high, Loony Tunes, Snorks, Hulk Hogan's Rockin' Wrestling, Jem, Alvin & the Chipmunks, Muppet Babies, GARFIELD, Heathcliff, Superfriends, Masters of the Universe (He-Man, for those of you who don't know) Saved by the Bell, etc...

They were there like clockwork every week.  Same time, same channel

With all the bright colors, the super powers, and the advertisements for toys that I did not yet know I wanted 

(Micro Machines guy was the shit - even though I never had any desire to play with micromachines)

Real life comes at you all at once 

so it seems

Real life is not SAFE

It is not pretty brightly colored images

 After 30 minutes the bad guy or bully's dastardly scheme has unraveled.  The foes have been vanquished, the plots have been foiled, and the world is a wonderful place again.

REAL LIFE does have plenty of 

*PROTAGONISTS

(man v man, man v nature, man v self - just like 7th grade English class taught you)

*BAD GUYS

(and they don't wear costumes, so they are not always easy to spot when you are out there in the REAL world)

In the REAL world, there is not International Coalition of heroes who keep tabs on the bad guys.  It is just you  and them  and everyone else.  If you can manage not to be noticed, you are unlikely to become a target.  

Cartoons stimulate and inspire desires to be a "good person"

especially when being processed through the mind 

and imprinted upon the perception of a 5 year old

They inspire such statements such as "I want to be Wonder Woman when I grow up"

Or my personal best one:

"When I grow up to be a boy

I want to be a DALLAS COWBOY

I WANT TO BE TONY DORSETT"

Couple these aspirations with your parents, grandparents, teachers, etc... constantly telling you that you can "do anything" or that you can "be whatever you want to be"

Secure that I was in possession of some amount of potential (remember - this was before I started school where it was proven that I had a vast amount of potential), I somehow formed a postulate, or a presumption that most people were good, and that everything was going to be ok, and that my life would probably kick ass

I also developed a strong and hypersensitive "sense of fairness"

IT SUCKS

I also am a recovering optimist 

It was not until my 28th year on this planet that I finally grasped that people can be out to get you for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON

This was when the flood of narcissists unleashed their malignant might against me

october 19th, 2008

CLUSTERFUCK

I think I am handling things to the best of my ability.
It is NOT Easy

I have been discouraged more than usual this past week.

I feel like there is not other side to the multiple CLUSTERFUCK(s) before me

Funny

Clusterfuck #2 has been going on for 4 months ON TOP of Clusterfuck #1 that has been going on for the past 18 months

Each situation is costing us more and more the longer it goes
(lost potential earnings due to gadfly’s incompetent/negligent management (lets not forget gadfly’s personal greed =1)
(Worsening cash flow problems due to selfish idiot narcissist martyr and the intentional inefficiencies, failure to act, over reactions, sniping acerbic comments made to her child, and not to mention trying to just get her served with the damn papers and get this thing OVER WITH)

BOTH are stalled –
No progress has been made
No steps past the initial one taken half a year ago

No closer to a resolution

Not one bit nearer to any final disposition.

Anticipation over the outcome(s) has been wearing me down.

More time lets the bad guys win
Just a little more each day

Their ill gotten gains fuel their spite and affirm the LACK OF INCENTIVE society gives for anyone to do “THE RIGHT THING” anymore
Competent advice & communication have now become a LUXURY

One that can be purchased (at a premium, of course) with the ILL GOTTEN GAINS OF THE PIOUS, NARCISSISTIC ANTAGONISTS

THE NARCISSISTS WILL WIN, YOU KNOW

LIKE FISH, THEY DON’T HAVE ANY FEELINGS



-the oppressors, the outragers, their audacity will amaze and sicken you. The wrongness will force you to reconsider your own personal belief structure and your faith in others. Were you a sucker all along??

You will give them too much credit for their ability to torment you.

YOU WILL GIVE THEM TOO MUCH POWER

SOON THEY WILL ONLY NEED TO EXPEND A NOMINAL AMOUNT OF ENERGY TO HARRASS YOU
BECAUSE YOU WILL BEGIN TO TORMENT YOURSELF

You will think and think and think “HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?” “WHY DIDN’T I DO MORE TO PREVENT THIS”

Soon actions they took in the past that you dismissed – even though they seemed odd or fishy to you

Will take on a new significace as a piece in the puzzle of their “dastardly plan”

THE NARCISSISTS WILL WIN, YOU KNOW

LIKE FISH, THEY DON’T HAVE ANY FEELINGS

Whether you fight or flee
THEY still end up BETTER OFF
Than they would have otherwise

They still end up better off than they would have
If they had foregone their chosen course of action

They will win because you were held hostage
But not by them
By your emotions

Because you were the one who had to seek counseling to get through this
You were the one who had to cough up the legal fees to stand up to them

You afford it because you HAVE TO
You can not afford to not try because then you will lose all respect for yourself
You do what you must so that you can respect yourself tomorrow

They love that you are inconvenienced.

You laying awake at night agonizing
Means they are sleeping like a baby

They get to watch you while you navigate the obstacle course they engineered
JUST FOR YOU

They have tailored it to exploit
your weaknesses
your fears
your pride
your faith
your hope
your self respect

They will push all of your buttons and watch your soul squirm as doubt creeps in

Unlike fish, these non-feelers are not easily caught and fried

Their cunning conniving calculated premeditated schemes are not easily thwarted
Only upon casting your net to trap them- to beat them at their own game
Do you realize the gaping breaches that allow them to slip through the cracks of society and its justice system- virtually unscathed

The selfish untruthful nature of their game boggles the mind and gives rise to the question

“is it worth it???”

Then comes disgust
For yourself

Because answering that question with a no means complete surrender to the fiend who has so baltently and unabashedly wronged you

Can you live with yourself if you surrender??

Can you choose to walk away knowing that by doing so, you are also reinforcing their behavior. You will walk and they will be validated.

They will do this again
Maybe not to you
To someone

But I assure you they will do this again
Maybe they already are

Why wouldn’t they?






Us


I feel like I am alone in this

The waiting is wearing me down

I have been struggling to maintain composure

I have been having terrible headaches for a week now

He doesn’t listen
The technical mumbo jumbo bores him

He would rather watch advertisements
for feminine hygiene products on TV
Than hear me


I am hell bent on doing what is right
(Ultimately right)

There is a remarkable young lady depending on me

I wish I could do more, and yet I have long exceeded my tolerance for passive aggressive tactics

He hears that I am talking – trying to coax the hamster in his head onto the wheel

Why can’t he just listen and respond






Them

They target you because you are there
And they have a score to settle with the world

PREY IN SIGHT – YOU are squarely in their crosshairs

Their reptilian heart beats a little faster,

You are the mask

The patsy

The scapegoat
The fallguy

They will accuse you of everything that they are doing to you

Then they will tell you it is your fault that the are acting this way
Because you deserve it

You have something they don’t

They don’t like that

whole

Will I ever be a whole (or mostly whole) person?

Or will I just run out one day

Like an empty gas tank;

-only person

Lately my "me" meter has been running a little low

All of the social and self esteem work that I did

on myself back in 2004 and 2005

somehow faded away

I am now married, boring, unpleasant, overfat

with hair that has 4.5 inch brown roots and hasn't been cut since March